Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
