i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
