When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Your cock deserves a montage
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So much Jack, so little girl.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
