he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
