Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
