Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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