I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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