ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
