Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
