Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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