and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
