I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
