yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Who wears a wallet chain?!
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
