A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
