you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
