just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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