People with herpes should wear stickers.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
