Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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