yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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