"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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