a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
