I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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