well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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