i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.