the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She bit a glass in half.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
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Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
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Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?