if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
