Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i think i just lost a toe
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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