i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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