Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
