Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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