It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
