Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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