I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
