i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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