mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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