So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
