my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
