were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
only if we run a train.
done.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
