My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
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Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
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Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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