Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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