a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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