I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
