i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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