I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
