it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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