The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
BRING THE BAGELS
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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