In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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