So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Randomize
