You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
