GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
