"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
