High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Randomize
