chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
