You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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