I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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