Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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