Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
