seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
