Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
