Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
