There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
