Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
